Realizations
by Alexandra Lynch
Summary: (H/G slash) The trip home makes Hermione realize some things, but what now? Sequel to "Chrysalis".
1. Decompression

a week later  
  
Hermione was largely silent on the train ride back to Hogwarts, although Ron and Harry made up for it by retelling events that had happened over the holiday, which were apparently funnier in the retelling. Ginny didn't speak much, but sat in her corner of the car, looking at Hermione, who was looking firmly out the window and responding in monosyllables.  
  
Finally, she'd had enough. "Gentlemen," she said to her brother and Harry," do you mind very much walking down to the end of the train and getting me something to drink?"  
  
"But..." said Ron, shutting his mouth as Harry darted a significant glance toward Hermione, apparently rapt in the view of a lot of fields. "Oh, um, right. It'll probably take us a few..."  
  
Harry dragged him out, and shut the door. Ginny sighed, shook her head, and then sat down across from Hermione. "Hey," she said. "What's wrong?"  
  
Hermione rubbed a hand across her face. "I'm...I'm just very tired. Mentally. My parents...well, you know." She darted a glance at the door to the compartment, and said, "Come see me tonight, hm?"  
  
Ginny nodded, and reached out to take her hand, which she squeezed briefly. "Love you."  
  
Hermione's hand clutched hers for a moment in a death grip, then eased, and she smiled. "Love you too."  
  
And just about then the door opened and Harry was handing them all some butterbeer, and the conversation resumed. It filled the silence, if not the space, the rest of the way back.  
  
*  
  
The Gryffindor common room was scarcely an improvement on the Great Hall in terms of noise and number of people, all packed in and talking about their holidays. Finally, Ginny slid out, up the staircase, turned right instead of left, and tapped three times, waited, and tapped twice more. The door opened, and a murmured word from Hermione relocked it. She waved her wand and put up the usual silencing wards, and then the two girls looked at each other in the silence.  
  
"It was bad, huh?" said Ginny finally, and sat down on the bed.  
  
Hermione nodded. "And I didn't tell them. I just... couldn't. Mother's such a force of nature, it's just easier to nod and go along with it than argue with her about it, or do any different. That's how Father deals with it, anyway. "  
  
"And do your own thing when they aren't looking."  
  
"Well, you could," said Hermione, "you've got brothers to distract her. But it was just me. And, dear Gods, she is -always- looking..."  
  
This came out in a near moan of pain.  
  
"I never get any privacy. The Muggle clothing there...I fold it and put it away, and it's shifted in my drawers. The letters from Harry and Ron that I kept...they've been ruffled through. And....I just felt, waking up there...that it was all a dream, a lovely beautiful dream and I was a Muggle again, that I never left."  
  
Ginny shook her head. "You are no Muggle, ever. No way no how."  
  
"My room is the same as when I left at eleven, you know," Hermione said, in a pained voice." I- I think Mother wants me to stay eleven. And I can't."  
  
"You couldn't if you want to, and you don't."  
  
"That's just it...I don't, and I don't....I feel as if...If I become who I want to be, turn from a caterpillar into a butterfly, that I'm somehow letting them down." The words came in painful, disjointed phrases, and Hermione was staring off into space, as if eye contact was too intimate.  
  
"I didn't even know what to say to my father. We...we wound up talking about his health most of the week, because he was willing to talk about that. But he didn't have a thing new to say about anything else, and, I....I was having trouble of thinking of anything but you."  
  
Ginny smiled, but Hermione's eyes were fixed on something distant.  
  
"Not that it matters....they get a rather glazed, bored look when I talk about anything to do with school, or, well, anything magical. I just realized...how separated I am. By being a witch, I mean. Being gay just adds an element. I need to get used to it."  
  
"Yeah, I suppose, " Ginny said thoughtfully," But it's not going to be easy." "I love them," Hermione said, in a voice thick with tears unshed. "I just...I don't like them very much."  
  
Ginny murmured something, but let her continue.  
  
"And I don't have much in common with them. And I never will...I'll go on to college, and get a magical job, and I'll never be what they wanted, no matter what I do. Because I've got magic."  
  
"No, because you're not a replica of either of them," said Ginny. "This wouldn't be different if you were a Muggle. I mean, look at Mum fighting with Charlie about that damn job of his. Muggles do that, from what you've said."  
  
"Yeah...but...God, I know I should just let go, but these are my -parents-, they're everything....and oh, God, it -hurts-...." She dissolved into sobs, and Ginny walked over to the desk and let Hermione lean against her and cry, stroking her hair, murmuring to her.  
  
Finally she moved them both over to the bed, and they lay there together, chastely clothed, and Hermione laid her head against Ginny's shoulder, like a child with its mother.  
  
"I...I don't really know what to do now, " Hermione said softly. "All my life I've worked because it made them smile, got me a pat on the head. And now...what do I do if I'm not doing that?"  
  
"I don't know," Ginny said. "What do you want to do?"  
  
Hermione sighed. "I know I want to go on to college...I should start looking at programs, really...consider what to take next year. See about getting my own place when I get out of school, and maybe see if I can get an internship. My...my grandfather left me a trust fund, I'll get it when I'm eighteen."  
  
"You won't be completely dependent on your parents, then," said Ginny, feeling her partner calm as she considered the practicalities of the situation. "And, I'm really pretty sure that if you needed somewhere to come for the summer, Mum wouldn't have a problem. I know I wouldn't," she added, with a blush.  
  
"Are you kidding? She loves having people around to mother," said Hermione, and felt Ginny giggle.  
  
"You feeling better?" she asked, and sat up to look at Hermione's face.  
  
"Yeah," said Hermione, with a smile that was finally unforced. "Sorry to cry on you."  
  
"Hey, what are friends for?" Ginny returned, and hugged her. She realized, as she did so, that Hermione was in a completely different mood now, and shivered as teeth teased her neck in little nips that sent an electric shock straight to her groin.  
  
"I did have other motives for asking you in here tonight besides falling apart, you know," she whispered, the very breath itself a tease, as her hands moved down Ginny's body. "But I didn't think you'd mind. God, but I missed you...."  
  
Ginny flipped her over, and clothes went flying as she proceeded to prove just how little she minded indeed, and just how much she'd missed her in return. 


	2. Thoughts Of The Future

Chapter 2  
  
"Whatcha looking at, Hermione?" said Ginny. They were curled up in a corner of the common room, currently deserted for a Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff.  
  
"College catalogs."  
  
"Ooh, pass one over," said Ginny, and began to read.  
  
"I didn't know you were interested in college," Hermione said. She didn't know why not, but the idea hadn't ever occured to her in connection with Ginny.  
  
"I was when I thought about it a bit," she said. "I don't want to do what my mom did.... marry young, and wind up pinching Knuts all my life to feed too many kids. I want -nice- things. I want a nice job of my own to pay for them, and to have anyone else in my life on MY terms, not because I can't survive without them. College is how I do that. "  
  
"Nice to know you'll pay your half of the rent," laughed Hermione, and the other girl smiled, but it was shadowed with a thought. Hermione looked a question at her, and Ginny voiced it.  
  
"Do you ever wonder about life after school?"  
  
"Well, yeah. I mean, next year's my last year. I -have- to think about it. I'm thinking that I'll probably do a major in either Alchemy or Arithmancy, and I've been thinking that Amergin, there at Oxford University, would be a good place... I'd have good resources both muggle and magical, and you know, there's some pretty well-regarded people there I could study with."  
  
"...yeah...." Ginny said, eyes shadowed.  
  
"I was thinking that I'll have my Apparation license then, and that would mean I could come back for visits...or you could come down for visits..."  
  
Ginny smiled, and the shadow departed. Hermione realized, suddenly, that the fear was for their relationship.  
  
"For what it's worth, Gin, I don't see why you can't try for your Apparation license just after your birthday in December your seventh year, as opposed to waiting to get out of school." "This is true...it's just annoying right now to be a year younger, you know?"  
  
Hermione's face softened. "I'm not looking forward to leaving you either, love, you know that. But, you'll be busy, and that helps, we both know it. And at the end, we'll be together. "  
  
"Yeah, I was thinking that this program for mediwitch training looked interesting..."  
  
Hermione reached over and took it out of her hand. "This IS interesting," she said, reading the page describing the program. "And, you know, I think from what I've seen that if you're a mediwitch you can work nearly anywhere, and specialize in lots of areas."  
  
Ginny nodded, face alight. "I've considered it for a while, actually."  
  
"You'd be good at it...you don't panic in an emergency, and you're good at seeing what people really need."  
  
"You think?" said Ginny, with some uncertainty. "I've been intending to go talk to Madam Pomfrey about it."  
  
"She's really, really good, you know. Have you looked at the diplomas and certifications she's got?"  
  
"Well, that's true of all of them, you know...I mean, for all Snape's a foul-tempered bastard, he IS good at making potions, and I bet if he wanted to leave here he could have a nice fat job in a moment. And I heard McGonagall turned down a really rich offer to come here and teach."  
  
"It's not like we're being taught by people who couldn't cut it anywhere else," confirmed Hermione. "Of course, you will need to work with Snape more."  
  
"Actually," said Ginny, "he doesn't bother me too much. We're not exactly going to be friends, or anything, but he does drop the snide remarks around me."  
  
Hermione just looked at her girlfriend in shock. "Seriously?!"  
  
"Well, I don't care whether or not he likes me. He's got information and training that I want, and I'll deal with the crap to get there. And the less I mind, the less bullshit about, "if you're capable of such a simple task" he spews."  
  
Hermione was smiling, with a trace of surprise. "You know, I may try disengaging totally and see if it helps."  
  
"Well, if you can get out of the machinations of my brother and his very best friend, " said Ginny. "Snape can't STAND Harry, and Ron just gets a side order of the same for being so loyal to him. Plus, Snape figured out what I've always known...Ron reacts really satisfactorily when teased. He turns red and gets angry quickly...highly entertaining."  
  
Hermione laughed. "Have you told him?"  
  
Ginny shot her a sardonic look. "You think he'll listen?"  
  
There was silence in the room for a time, and then Hermione sighed, lost in thought. She had put the catalogs aside, and was looking off into space, eyes unfocused.  
  
"What's wrong?" asked Ginny.  
  
"Thinking about us, and my parents."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I don't want to spend the summer the way I did the Easter holiday, and if I'm not getting regular owls from a guy Mother will be setting me up with the sons of her friends."  
  
"Ick," said Ginny, nodding in comprehension. "And from what you've said, the sons are prats."  
  
"Generally. Or gits who believe that a woman with my development," a hand gesture indicated Hermione's full breasts, "can't possibly have a mind or be choosy about her partners. I was damn near tempted to stun the last one."  
  
"Ewwww. Yeah, that would be bad. Which leaves you with..."  
  
"Telling them I'm gay." Hermione said. "And, if they believed it, they would leave me alone, this is true."  
  
"If they believed it?"  
  
Hermione laughed bitterly. "Well, from what I can tell, my father believes that people like us are deluded...all we need is the right man, in our case, to straighten us out. Consequently the pressure to go out with these 'nice men' would be heightened."  
  
"And your mother?"  
  
"I'd have to make love to you on the front step for her to not be able to ignore it or rationalize it away. She'd be all, 'well, perhaps I saw it wrong, because of course Hermione would NEVER do that...." unless it was too big to ignore."  
  
"That's not going to be easy, either," said Ginny, brow furrowed in thought. "You could always come and stay with us...."  
  
"Except I do have the social obligation of spending SOME time with my parents." Hermione pulled a sour face. "They did give birth to me, and raise me, and are supporting me."  
  
"Hm. Yeah." There was a pause, and Ginny said, "Why don't you do what Harry does? He spends about two weeks with the Dursleys, and then owls Ron and comes over to the Burrow for the rest of the time. Fred and George just moved out....got their own place over the shop in Diagon Alley...and so Mum says the house feels empty. She'd be delighted...you know she likes you anyway."  
  
"Yeah, I like your mum too," said Hermione with a smile. "I wish my mother was more like that. Unless I come up with a better plan between now and then, I'll do that."  
  
"Oh, good," said Ginny. "I'll owl Mum tonight. Only, " she said, face turning mischievious, "we won't be able to do anything, unless you can manage to learn to be quieter. The walls of the Burrow are thin."  
  
"ME?!" said Hermione, catching the spark of laughter in her girlfriend's eye. "I seem to remember someone I had to kiss so that she didn't scream loud enough to wake McGonagall when she..."  
  
"Okay, okay, so maybe it's mutual," interrupted Ginny, face pink. "Um, I suppose we better work on Silencing Charms a bit more."  
  
"That might be a good thought, yes..." 


	3. Dare To Decide

Chapter 3  
  
Finals came, and they made love three weeks before with a fervor that came from knowing they'd be buried in work for a while. Hermione alighted in the Great Hall occasionally to eat; more often, she could be found in the library, or in one of the classrooms that wasn't in use with some third and fourth year students giving them some extra tutoring. She had to sleep some time, although no one was sure when.  
  
"Are you doing all right, Hermione?" Ginny asked at breakfast one morning. Hermione was eating with a kind of doggedness that suggested that she wasn't tasting it, just using it to fuel her body.  
  
Hermione sighed. "Tired as hell. One more week, though, and then I'll go home and sleep for a couple days and be fine." She pulled Ginny into an affectionate hug. "I would hope you and I have a date for the night before we leave, hm? I HAVE missed you, you know."  
  
"I've missed you too." She wanted to say more, but didn't feel right saying it with everyone sitting around. But she could tell by Hermione's eyes that all the unspoken was understood.  
  
"Saw you tutoring some of Ravenclaw, Hermione, " said Ron. "Don't you have enough to do on your own?"  
  
"They need my help," she said, pouring herself another cup of coffee. "That's all."  
  
"Still, you don't look like you're getting enough sleep, and you'll be sick if you keep living on coffee and nerves."  
  
"Ron, you're one of my best friends in the entire world," Hermione said gravely, "but that fight we had in fourth year about the damn tournament isn't going to be beans on the fight we're gonna have if you don't lay the hell off. I won't explode, and I'll still be here in a week and a half. Stop fussing." Her tone was grave, and the one that you crossed only at your peril. Ron subsided, casting her a worried glance.  
  
Ginny was worried, too, but she knew Hermione well enough to know that right now was not the time to try to find out what was going on. After finals, definitely.  
  
"Get some sleep, sometime, Hermione," she contented herself with saying. "You know what Snape's gonna say if you fall asleep during the written half of potion finals?"  
  
"I won't fall asleep there," said Hermione, laughing despite herself. "It's History of Magic you have to worry about."  
  
"Hey, we're going to be late if we don't move, guys," said Harry. He grinned at Ginny, and said, as they rose from the table, "I do want to talk to you tonight, if we can find the time."  
  
"I'll be in the library, " Ginny said. But the last Slytherin-Gryffindor Quidditch match of the year had been scheduled the following day, and an impromptu extra practice distracted Harry from his plans. And in the celebration of Gryffindor's win, and the end of term rush, they never did manage that talk he wanted, and both forgot about it. Ginny forgot about asking Hermione what was going on, too....when they did get some time alone, talking wasn't on the agenda.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
Sooner than they expected, it was over, in a flurry of parchment and quills and tense silences. They were all standing on the platform again, headed back home, promising to write, and making plans to meet up in a couple weeks or so. Ginny and Hermione were still dazed from a night mostly spent awake, rather than sleeping, and the lingering stress from finals (which they had both passed with flying colors).  
  
At an impatient cough from Vernon Dursley, Harry finally stepped back, and walked away. Ginny didn't worry. He'd be over to the Burrow in about a week or so, that being about the length of time before he'd send Hedwig over begging Ron for an invitation.  
  
Hermione, though, was more of a worry. She was pale and nervous, and was staring at Ginny as though she was trying to memorize every strand of hair and freckle.  
  
"Gin, Mum's waiting," said Ron, finally, taking a glance back at their mother, who with some delicacy of feeling was waiting a short distance away, so as not to disturb them.  
  
"Yeah, hold on," she said, and embraced Hermione, feeling the shock in the other girl's body. Oh, to hell with what the Muggles think, she said impatiently to herself, she needs a hug. And then in the next moment she wasn't thinking at all, since Hermione was kissing her with one of her melt-you-into-a-puddle-of-lust kisses, right there in the middle of the damned station, arms holding Ginny up as she melted against her, and hands possessive on her ass. She finally released Ginny, and said, "Bye, love, see you soon," with a little courageous smile, and then turned to where two Muggles stood, mouth open with shock.  
  
"Hello, Mother, Father. Shall we go home?"  
  
* * * Author's note: Yes, of course there's more. I'm not that cruel. The next one is called Shifting Sands, and deals with the...fallout, and developments thereof. 


End file.
